


Why Papa?

by ATISTAMY



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Bang Chan is a Good Friend, Bang Chan is a Panicked Gay, Bang Chan is a Sweetheart, Best Friends, Domestic Violence, Eventual Relationships, Friends since they were babies, Friends to Lovers, Itll be finished when it will be finished, It’s like a story from babies to them growing older, Lee Felix (Stray Kids) is a Sweetheart, M/M, Maybe Sex (like once they turn of age), Soft Lee Felix (Stray Kids), dude they like besties, i cried writing this omg
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:22:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26079427
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ATISTAMY/pseuds/ATISTAMY
Summary: a story which will stretch from the beginning of chan's life to the present he is in.chan loved his parents a lot, he really did. from the day he could speak, even up until he could live and understand the world on his own. he loved them so much, he couldn't see even one thing wrong with his wonderful parents, especially his papa. and i guess you could say he was blinded by the love he held for his mum and papa.love really does make you blind, doesn't it?• • •in which a small boy ran over to his neighbor's apartment one night because his papa was being scary.
Relationships: Bang Chan & Lee Felix, Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 5
Kudos: 24





	1. 01 | mum, why papa yelling?

**Author's Note:**

> hey my guys, I’m here with another story! I’ll try and update this at least once a week. But because I have school and also because I like each chapter to be at least 2-3 thousand words plus, it may be a bit longer.
> 
> But yeah! I hope you enjoy this story that made me bawl while writing because Chan here is going through things and situations I had to as well as a child. If anyone went through childhood abuse, just know I’m here for you, and you can always talk to me <3

it is night time where the family lives, about eight pm. they live in a flat that is quite roomy, and their financial status is just... alright. they're doing alright.

chan is four years old. he just turned four two weeks ago.

• • •

"mumma!" chan yelled from the bathroom, pouting as he struggled to reach the front of the sink. he couldn't reach his purple toothbrush that was in its holder, it was just too far for his little hands to reach. usually his mum helped him brush his teeth every night, but chan wanted to be a big boy this time and try to do it himself. for some reason though, everything seemed so much bigger than when his mumma helped him.

"mum-maaa! can you come?" chan yelled a second time, whining loudly as he tried once again to climb onto the bathroom counter and get his toothbrush. oh why did they make everything so big! they should have made it smaller so the baby could read it.

"in a second baby, i'm busy right now! be a good boy and wait for mum, ok?" his mom's sweet voice said back to him quickly, seeming the slightest bit frantic. but chan didn't notice that, he didn't notice much actually. he just hummed to himself and smiled widely, sitting himself down on the rug of the bathroom and tapping his small hands against the leg off his shorts.

he didn't notice the harsh whispers or noises going on in the front room, he didn't even notice how his mum came running to him quickly, as if she needed to escape from somewhere. he was only four after all, just four.

"oh look at you, you're a big boy already huh?" his mother said with a playful gasp, making chan laugh like there was no tomorrow when she lifted him up and spun him around in the air. she sat him down on the counter, softly pinching his giggling cheek and giving him the brightest smile she could muster. mum loved her chan, she loved her baby so much.

he didn't notice his mum's watery eyes, he didn't notice the redness on her arms either. but how could he? he was just four.

"i twy to get toothy, but it too far. but i big boy now mumma, i four! wight? one, two, fwee, five, sweven..." chan started to blab on as his mom got his toothbrush, wetting it before very gently easing chan's little mouth open and softly brushing his few teeth.

"yes baby, you're four, such a big boy. and how old is mum?" she asked the boy in a fun voice, loving to stare at him as he tried to count on his small fingers.

"you old. you awr... tennny?" chan mumbled around the toothbrush, waving his small arms in the air because he couldn't get his point across. his mother merely let out a soft laugh, kissing the precious boy once on his brown curls covered head.

"mum is twenty one, baby. you're four and i'm twenty one, you're such a big boy right?" she said to him in a voice which made him "ohhh" around his toothbrush. he nodded along to him mom, lifting one of his hands and slapping it on top of her head. he didn't know what he was doing, he just felt like putting his hand on his mom's head.

"ha— mmim thwickles!" the small child sputtered out around the toothbrush. he laughed as the soft bristles tickled his gums and little teeth in the funniest way possible to a baby. he was very easily amused, and he stuck his tongue out at his mom once she took the brush out. she stuck her tongue right back of course, that's what a good mom does. 

"now mummy is going to put you to bed, ok? you have to sleep so you can wake up and be all strong and happy tomorrow morning." chan's mom mumbled to him softly as she picked him up and put the baby to her hip. slowly, she closed the bathroom light and sprinted quickly to chan's bedroom.

"mum why running?" chan giggled out loudly as he clutched onto his mom's dress. it was fun, he liked it. it make his hair and face feel nice. it reminded him of when his papa ran around with him in the park!

the two went into chan's room, which was right next to his mum and papa's room. his mom softly laid him down onto his side-protector bed, and she pulled his soft purple blanket over him and up to his little chin.

"mumma, can you swing to me? the swong you say about astownauwts." chan mumbled as he looked up at his mum, taking his little arms out of his blanket and reaching for her. maybe mum would stay with him and sing to him until he fell asleep, she said she would. he loved his mom's singing voice. it always put him right to sleep.

she smiled softly at her son, and she kneeled down next to his bed to grab his little hand inside one of her own. she loved him so much, and even as she listened to him babble on about something she couldn't even understand, she could feel her heart clench and skip a beat. she loved her son. she would protect him through everything.

she could sing for him, that's the least she could do as a mom. and so him mom leaned closer to chan and opened her mouth, singing the first few words of chan's "astronaut" song softly.

"i will go explore right n—"

"SARAH, DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO BE BACK THE FUCK HERE RIGHT AWAY?!" yelled a loud voice from the front room, leading to foot steps coming in their direction. chan's mom let out a small whimper before stopping herself, and she looked down to see chan wondering what the loud yelling was for.

"mum, why papa yelling?" chan asked in a confused blab, picking up his mum's finger and biting it softly with his little growing teeth. he didn't really care, he just wanted his mum to pay attention to him.

"baby, mumma has to go now, ok? mum will sing to you tomorrow, i promise. but i really have to go now." she whispered to the boy frantically, trying to keep her breathing and voice as calm as possible in front of her precious baby. he didn't need to see or deal with anything.

chan's mom, sarah, stood up and leaned down until her face was in level with her son's. she let out a shaky breath as she kissed her baby once on the forehead, once on each of his cheek's, and once on his nose.

"i love you so much baby. you're mum's strong little boy, ok?"

she said to him softly. and with one final kiss on one of his eyelids, she ran towards the door and left, making sure to keep chan's door mostly closed with just a little crack just in case.

"i wuv you two mumma." chan whispered to himself, letting out a small huff and turning around in his bed. he was sad his mum didn't get to sing him his song like she always did, but she must have been busy. 

"mum swaid she wuvs baby. she says i stwong boy. i am a big boy." he mumbled to himself, giggling at the word strong. he knew what it meant, but it liked to say it to himself again and again because it just sounded so funny.

"stwong, strwong, stwron—" he whispered to himself, slowly lulling himself to sleep. just as his little eyes were about to go off to sleep, he heard a loud bang from somewhere and a short yelp which made him jump up with a gasp.

"mumma! mumma wawht—" chan yelled for his mum, but she didn't come. and then he yelled for his papa but he didn't come either. 

"mumma? papa!"

chan sat in bed and started to cry, tears started to leak out of his tired eyes and down his little face. he just didn't know what to do, he was woken so harshly and he just wanted his mum or papa. and so he did his best to climb out of his bed, managing to get out of his but falling on his butt.

"ouchie. h-huwt." he whimpered out, crying even more as he stood up and ran to his door. he threw it open with both his hands, letting out another cry when he tripped on the door stop. he just wanted his mum or papa to make his hurts go away, but none of them were answering him. and baby chan just kept hurting himself more and more by accident.

he ran as fast as he could to the front room, sniffling all the way there. and when he reach there, he saw someone was yelling in the kitchen. and it sounded an awful lot like his papa. but why was papa yelling?

"mum? papa? i huwrted myse—" chan started to say softly, before he jumped back with a yelp when a spoon came thrown in his direction.

"YOU'RE ALWAYS THE FUCKING PROBLEM SARAH, ALWAYS BULLSHITTING EVERYTHING." chan fell on the floor with a loud cry when he saw his papa yelling at his mum. his mum was sat at the corner of the kitchen with her hands out in front of her, almost as if she was trying to protect herself from... from being hit.

"papa! papa why yelling?! papa no yell!" chan wailed out as he stood up shakily, running up to his dad and holding on tightly to the larger male's pant leg. he didn't like it when papa yelled, he liked it when papa pretended to be a rocket. he liked it when papa pretended to be a rocket and when he would make chan fly.

"what in the w—" his dad saw chan gripping onto his leg, and he saw how the boy was crying his eyes out. he even saw the little bruises forming on the boy's knee from when he fell a few minutes ago. any father would have let out a sob, maybe even a cry. any father would have picked up their little boy and held him close. 

any father would have apologized.

"get off me you useless fucker." his papa said to him coldly, kicking his leg back and making chan fall off it with a loud scream. the small baby fell harshly on his thighs and his hands, and he let out an even louder bawl when he saw his papa glaring at him so much.

"my son! why did you touch my son?!" his mom cried out, crawling over to reach for her crying boy— only to get kneed back to the corner by the larger male.

"shut it sarah, don't look at that little shit. you're talking to ME, remember that you bitch." he growled out, kicking the tearing up girl on the side. her son, he had touched her son. she needed to go and hold him, she needed to go to her baby.

chan was weeping uncontrollably, he could feel his nose running and he could barely see from the around of tears clogging his vision. he loved his papa, papa said he loved chan. but why was papa yelling like this, why did papa hurt him?

why was his papa hurting his mum?

the baby stood up with shaky legs, whimpering at the pain in his legs as he walked to the front door. he knew he couldn't reach the handle, but maybe if he jumped? mum told him he was a big strong boy, he knew he could do it.

chan jumped as high as he could, grabbing his small hands around the door handle before putting all his body weight into it and swinging it open. he put his fingers into the small opening he made and then pulled the rest open, running out the apartment and into the hallway of all the other doors in the building.

but now what? he didn't know what to do, so he just ran. chan ran as fast as his bare little feet could take him, until he caught a snare in the carpet and fell flat on his face.

"o-ouchie, i hwurted again." he cried out even more, sitting up and clutching his nose which hurt a lot from his fall. the baby's eyes widened as he saw the blood pooling in his hand, and that was when chan let out the loudest bawl he ever did.

he let go of his nose and sobbed so loudly, mouth wide open and eyes closed. wailing and wailing as he watched the blood from his nose fall onto the rustic apartment building hallway carpets. he wanted his mum to come hug him, he wanted papa to tell him he was being so strong and brave. but no one was coming to baby chan, and so the boy just sat there and wailed loudly. he was just a baby, he was just four.

but then a door opened in the floor's hallway, and out stepped a tall woman. she heard loud crying that sounded eerily like a child's from the hallway, and that was when she saw baby chan. she saw the small child sitting on the floor and crying, and she saw the blood pooling out of his nose at an alarming rate.

"oh dear lord, isn't that sarah and mike's child?" she mumbled in surprise as she ran down the hallway, coming up to the small boy.

"oh darling, what's wrong? what happened to you?" the woman, charlotte, whispered to the wailing boy, picking him up into her arm's and pinching the bridge of his nose so that the bleeding didn't continue. she whispered to him that he should breath through his mouth for a bit, and the sobbing boy just nodded. 

he didn't really care who it was that held him at the moment, he was just so relieved to be held by someone.

"i'll call sarah once i'm inside, i have to treat to this poor boy first." charlotte muttered to herself as she stood up with chan held securely in one of her arm's. what type of parents would let their four year old out like that? not every one in the building is as safe and kind as her.

but then again, sarah didn't exactly have the best of home conditions. and that's what was on charlotte's mind as she brought chan into her home.

"darren, could you come here? little bub seems to have hurt himself."

time skip forward twenty three minutes. chan's nose has stopped bleeding and he has gotten ointment put on his few bruises and scratches he got from hurting himself. he is now sitting in the play pen with another boy... and that's where we are left off.

"you stay here and play, ok bub? we'll get your mom to come get you soon." darren, charlotte's husband, said to chan in the sweetest voice possible as he placed the boy down in the playing area. it was the voice he used with his own son, because he believed that all babies should be treated just the same.

"hiya ! my name felix, i'm thwee years old. bwut i'm turning four next week!" said the other boy who was already sitting in the play pen, holding up seven fingers to show how old he was— well he thought he was holding up three fingers. this was charlotte and darren's kid, and just like his parents, he was always welcome to new people!

"h-hi. i'm chan, and i four years old. my mumma says i'm alweady a big boy." chan mumbled, walking closer to felix and going to sit next to him. he picked up a yellow block and started to help felix build his pretty castle he had started. but felix didn't mind, he appreciated the extra help.

"you wanna make the bestest cassle ewver?" felix whispered to chan, clapping his hands in the thought. he knew he would need lots and lots of help building, it was going to be the biggest and most best castle ever!

"yeah! and thwen we can be the k-king!" chan said excitedly, complete forgetting about all the bad things that happened that day. and and felix were going to built a castle! a big castle where they could be kings.

"no no, there can ownly be one king in a casswle!" felix pouted, scratching his head in deep thought. what could they do?

"then wawht can we do?" chan asked confusedly, mindlessly picking at the red and yellow blocks in front of him to try and come up with an idea. and then felix grabbed him by the arm, shaking his excitedly because he had an idea.

"i know i know! you can bwee the king, and i will bwee the queen! we can bwoth be wulers of the cassle." felix said excitedly, jumping on chan and hugging him for no reason at all. he was only three after all, he didn't know what he was doing. and neither did chan, because he licked the boy's ear when felix hugged him.

"we awr king and queen!"

and with that, the two started to build their amazing castle. and from that castle;

from that castle a great friendship was born.

〃々月


	2. 02 | papa’s just tired baby.

it is currently early morning, 7:45 AM. chan and his mom are hand in hand as they approached a building which we would come to know as chan's new school. he used to go to a private school where he knew everyone and everyone knew him, it was the best! everyone was always so kind and lovely.

but they then had to switch chan's school to their local public school because the family just couldn't afford it anymore. it's hard when his mom is the only one who works in the family, so he did his best not to complain; too much. he didn't want to make it any hard for his mum.

chan is eight years old. it is the first day of third grade, and he is worried. 

• • •

"mum, what if no one wants to be my friend?" chan asked with a pout, holding his mom's hand with a firm grip. he had woken up really early today, trying to put together an outfit he thought made him look cool... but now he was just plain nervous. he was eight, he knew what looked good! right?

"why wouldn't they? you're the sweetest boy i know for sure." his mom reassured him teasingly, ruffling his messy brown curls with her delicate hand as they approached the front gate of the school. i'm glad he got my hair, curly hair looks beautiful on my boy.

commonwealth elementary school. it looked like a box. a box with stairs and lots of bumpy bumps. and chan didn't really like boxes, they were the worst. point, rough, and they trapped you.

and considering the school was quite massive, you could say it triggered the worry that chan already had brewing inside him.

"c-can you drop me off inside my classroom?" chan asked his mom quietly as he gazed at the silhouette of the school, edging closer to his mom's leg and gripping her hand even tighter. it really started to hit him then that he would know no one. what if they didn't like him? what if they bullied him? what if they called him ugly— or said he was d-dumb? he didn't want that.

"i really wish i could honey, but you know my work starts at 8:25 sharp. i'm going to be late if I don't start walking now." she said to him softly, letting go of her son's hand to crouch down in front of him and look into his eyes. chan's head dropped as he looked away, a sizable and depressive pout growing on his lips. he understood, he really did. it was just sad his mumma wouldn't be with him.

"hey. hey look at me," she whispered to him, seeing the scared and glum look on his face. it made sarah ever so sad to see her own son look so dejected. she pinched and hit herself unbelievably hard that she couldn't take the time to walk him in like a good mom; and she hated that she had to start work so early that she couldn't take the time to care for her reason to live.

"you know mum only works so you can be happy, mum wants to buy you the things you want and she needs to make sure that we can pay for our apartment." she whispered to her boy, feeling a little piece of her heart crack when he nodded and wiped his watery eyes.

"b-but i d-don't want anything mumma, i just want you to be with me forever. and why didn't papa come to drop me off then? he doesn't work, s-so why didn't he come." chan mumbled softly, sniffling and wiping his eyes rapidly so that the tears didn't fall. he knew his papa loved him a lot, his mum told him that he did all the time! but it was kind of sad when papa didn't come with him.

he didn't want toys, cars, video games or anything materialistic a usual eight year old would want— he just wanted his mum to always be with him, and papa too! he just wanted his family to spend lots of time together. maybe if i find a genie like aladdin, i can make my wish come true.

"papa's just tired baby. you know he loves you a lot, he just can't work and do things because he's... he much too tired." she said to her son softly, raising up her hands and softly using her thumbs to wipe the tears away from little face. she knew she was telling straight white lies through her teeth, she knew she was— but sarah couldn't let her little boy know that his father was a lazy and downright cruel man, that was the only reason she ever lied to him. she wanted her baby to live the best life he could, and if that meant lieing to him, so be it.

chan sighed and nodded slowly, lifting his head to meet his mum's apologetic gaze. he opened up his arms with soft quivering lips, and sarah immediately went to hug her boy tightly against her chest. chan's arms wrapped around his mom's neck, and he burried his face into it. warm. he loved mum's hugs. and papa's rare hugs too.

"i love you so much baby. you're mum's strong boy, ok? you're my strong, strong boy." she whispered into chan's ear, giving him countless kisses all over his face and neck. sarah gave her son a bright little smile, the little boy smiling back and whispering to her "i love you too". chan gave his mum a soft kiss on her cheek, and then turned around to approach his new school.

it hurt her. it hurt sarah so much when she had to let her little boy go and watch him walk into the new school all on his own. it hurt when her precious boy turned around to give her one more wave and smile before walking in through the gates. and it hurt her even more as she ran towards her bus stop, hoping that she didn't miss her bus in the extra five minutes she spent with her son.

it all hurt sarah, and all she could do was bottle up the tears that wanted to come out. she needed to be strong, she needed to be firm; she needed to be as resilient as possible for her son. it was so hard being pregnant at seventeen because of an forced marriage her own parents told her was best for her. but now, she didn't regret having to get forcefully impregnated. because she birthed the reason for her to continue living, her son.

her son, her son, her son—

oh she would do whatever it took so that her little boy didn't have to deal with a life like hers.

scene switch to chan. he's awkwardly sitting on a chair in the corner of the loud classroom, looking down and away from all the kids who were talking with one another and asking each other how their summer vacation was. the teacher hadn't come in yet, and chan didn't know even one person. not one. he just wished so bad his mum was there with him... at least then he'd have someone.

and it felt terrible. chan kept looking around the class with shaky eyes, hoping to maybe miraculously catch a glimpse of someone he knew, someone he could go to. but there was no one, and all he could do was bunch up his knees to his chest and fiddle restlessly with his hands. i wish mum was here.

"wait is that... oh my god, chan! hiya, hey chan!" yelled out an energetic voice from somewhere, and the eight year old boy looked up in confusion to try and find who was yelling out his name. but every direction he looked, he couldn't seem to find the owner of the voice. who, who kept calling him ??

"over here silly, come over here!" yelled the same lively voice, and only then did chan look farther forward to see the jumping brunette freckled boy standing near the window with his mum. and much like the flip of a coin, chan's scared pout turned into a bright, shining smile. 

and all because he saw someone he knew, someone he knew very well. it was felix! his best friend that lived right across the hallway in their apartment complex.

"fee! i didn't know this was the school you went to!" chan exclaimed with a bright smile, running over to felix to give him a big hug. chan practically jumped on the boy as he wrapped his arms around him tightly, felix giggling brightly and hugging chan back even tighter. the two little boys have been best friends since... forever?

chan and felix actually didn't remember how they met, both their mom's would always tell them that they already knew each other because they lived in the same apartment building. and the two believed them of course, they had no reason not to.

"hey honey, how have you been?" asked felix's mom, charlotte, as she smiled at chan and ruffled the boy's hair. chan was like a second son to her, and she had sworn to sarah that she would look out for him as if he were her own. sarah, had of course, said the exact same for felix. the two mom's cared about each other's kids almost as much as they did their own. it was just a connection that had formed about four years ago... 

that one night when chan went running out when he was four. 

"i've been good. i'm just a bit sad mum has been working a lot, i don't get to see her as much." chan pouted slightly, leaning more into felix who hugged him even tighter. though chan was about three weeks older than him, he had always been a little less than an inch shorter than felix. they didn't mind it, height wasn't a serious subject. they were both only eight anyway, looks didn't matter at this time.

"yeah, sarah's been working a lot lately, hasn't she?" charlotte started to say, tilting her head and crouching down so that she could come in level with chan's face. she knew how much chan was connected with his mom, it was far more than any regular mother son connection. it was just plain love and pure dependence.

and that was something she was worried would continue even as chan aged.

"tell you what, i'll try to get your mom to take a break this sunday. and we'll take you and felix to the park so we can all spend time together. how does that sound?" she asked chan in a darling tone, watching as the boy let out a little gasp and broke into a beautifully wide smile.

"really, really?! you'd do that ms. charli ?!" chan said excitedly, letting go of felix and flying to grab charlotte's hands instead. when she nodded her head with a small grin, chan jumped up in down in jubilation. he let out a beautiful laugh and wrapped his arm's around charlotte's neck, hugging her as tightly as he could.

"thank you so much, you're the best." the little boy whispered to her as she hugged him back, giving him a small, almost unnoticeable, kiss on his curly head. sometimes it really hit charlotte when chan said things like that. the amount the little boy just wanted to spend time with his mom— even for just a day; it was just plain heartbreaking.

"class is about to start boys, you two be good, ok? i'll be back to pick you guys up in a few hours." she said after a minute, softly letting go of chan and standing up. she watched as chan nodded excitedly, the eight year old boy turning around to grab felix's awaiting and open hand.

"bye mommy, see you later!" felix said with a big smile, shaking his head playfully and saying 'ew' when his mom went to give him a kiss on the cheek. charlotte flicked her son's unruly head once softly, before going to also give chan a kiss on his forehead. but unlike felix, the boy happily accepted the kiss. it was kind of like mum was there with him. not quite the same... but it was something.

she walked out the door of the classroom, walking out and leaning slightly over the door frame to catch one last glimpse at the little boys. the mother could feel her heart physically warm up as she watched the little boys walk hand in hand to the bag rack, going to put their backpacks up on a hook. felix and chan both took a seat as the bell rang, and the two best friends kept their hands tightly held with each others. as if saying that they were there for eachother.

and so charlotte took out her phone and took a picture of the two boys, wanting to keep that image with her for a long, long time. she then silently wished with all her might that the two small boys would always be the closest of friends, because she just couldn't handle it any other way.

and even as charlotte walked back to her car, she kept the image of the two little boy's in her heart. it was just a beautiful picture she wanted to cherish. she'd text sarah that picture, it would make her so happy. it was the smallest thing she could do, at least put a smile on sarah's face.

that's all that was going through charlotte's mind as she went on her drive home, and she honestly just did not know how to help sarah. the young mother never did show any weaknesses, even when she described what she had gone through to charlotte. she had described her grueling past, her less than protective parents, her unwanted marriage. the abuse. 

but never once. never once did sarah cry out to her.

poor sarah. oh dear, dear sarah. she never really did get to live a life, did she? she's dedicated her entire existence to create something beautiful for her son. dedicated her entire existence to her little starry eyed boy.

んやに

a week has passed. it's finally sunday, the day chan has been looking forward to for the entire week. he'd woken up extra early even thought it was a weekend, he was just too excited to sleep any longer. he and mum were going to spend time together, maybe papa would come too! even fee and ms. charli. to even say he was excited was an understatement— chan was positively beaming with happiness.

chan slowly crept up to his parent's room with his socks on. he wanted to surprise his mum because he was wearing the pink shirt she bought him! it had a little pineapple in the corner... and even thought he didn't really like it, he pretended to because it made his mom unimaginably happy. he liked purple, but his mom got him a pink shirt. but chan didn't mind, the fact that his mom gave it to him meant he loved it.

once the boy had come to the door of their room, he was about to open the door— until he heard voices talking from the other side in an urgent tone— no, not an urgent tone. one voice was pleading, and the other? plain gruff. the voices were speaking in a hushed manner, yet still loud enough so that some parts and words could be made out. there were also noises. noises that can was confused about.

ᵈᵒᵗˢ ˢʸᵐᵇᵒˡⁱᶻᵉ ᵘⁿ ʰᵉᵃʳᵃᵇˡᵉ ʷᵒʳᵈˢ ⁺ ᵖʰʳᵃˢᵉˢ

"please. please i swear i'll do anything."

"hell no ... you can't think ... allow it."

"anything. i'll do ... swear."

"you'll ... anything? funny ... just for a kid."

"he's my ... life."

"hah. what a stupid ... can go."

chan couldn't even understand much. we're they telling jokes? papa said something was funny. he wanted to hear jokes too! and just as he was about to open the door, the door opened itself and out walked his mum. she seemed quite surprised to see him, and she quickly covered her face with the hem of her dress and wiped it quickly. maybe she just had an itch or something... whatever park time !

"mum, are you ready to go?" the small boy asked as he jumped up and down in excitement, pulling on his mother's white sundress so that he could less them to the door. he was growing more and more energetic by the second, and he would have tripped over his own feet on the way to the door if his mum didn't catch him.

"woah! easy there baby, you don't want to hurt yourself." his mom teased, forcing a sweet tone out of her mouth. she only lived for her son after all, she needed to keep him feeling special and smiling even when she wasn't at her best.

and so sarah choked back her tears as she gently and lovingly laced up chan's purple shoes, giving him a big smile. as she opened the door, she breathed in deeply before closing it behind her and locking it. it's ok to get hurt sometimes sarah, it's for chan after all.

she ran after chan as the little boy zoomed through the hallway, knocking enthusiastically on charlotte's door. the door was opened by darren, felix's dad! he told the two that felix and charlotte would be out in a minute, and the two were just getting ready.

"fee! come on, we're going to the park!" chan laughed out once felix and charlotte stepped out the apartment. they immediately went into the elevator, not wanting to waste any time. the four were going to walk a few blocks to the nearest open park; it would be a lovely, refreshing time together.

"i know! i'm so excited, we can play tag. my mom is kinda slow, so it'll be easy." felix snickered out, grabbing chan by the hand and running away with a shriek when his mom went to flick him on the ear. the two boys ran ahead of their mothers, though not too far ahead because they knew they're get in trouble.

"hey chan?" felix asked randomly, grabbing chan's hand and holding it again. chan didn't mind, the two were best friends and best friends always held hands. or arms. or feet. just any parts!

"yeah?"

"can you promise me something?" the bright little eight year old asked, turning his head slightly to look at chan who was tilting his head in curiosity.

"promise what fee?" he asked, letting out a little laugh when felix started to twirl in a circle which caused him to spin around too.

"promise we'll be best friends forever and ever. like even until we're crusty and yucky like my dad!" felix said, giving chan a big smile with all of his teeth. well— one tooth was missing, but it would grow back eventually. he gave chan a smile with all his teeth minus one.

"yeah, we're always going to be best friends! it's the law," chan said huffed dramatically, him and felix immediately giggling. "i actually don't know what law is, but my mom says it a lot. must be important." chan whispered in felix's ear, making the lightly taller boy nod seriously.

"law is serious stuff, it must be something dangerous," felix murmured, looking back and making sure that their parents didn't diss appeal. "do you think it's like ... a scary thing?"

chan asked nervously, causing felix to merely shrug and bump hips with him. law was the least of their worries.

"wait but chan, you promise? pinky promise we'll always be best friends?" felix asked again as he took out his pinky, this time in a more quiet and solemn tone. he was as serious as an eight year old could get, because though he was barely beginning his life, he knew that chan had to always be with him. it's the law. hehe.

"i pinky promi— hey fee, what are those dots on your face?" chan was about to take out his pinky, but when he went to look closer at felix, he notices little brown dots all over his face! why hadn't he seen them before? did he have chicken pox ... ?

"they're my freckles! i was born like this." felix said with pursed lips, randomly swinging his and chan's clasped hands back and forth. he could hear their mom's talking about boring stuff, something about "stay strong" and "call me if... big words". he couldn't care less really.

"but why? why do you have them?" chan asked with a confused pout, furrowing his eyebrows and starting to walk with a skip in his step.

"my mom says it's because i was born special, she says they make me look very pretty. am i pretty chan?" felix asked his friend loudly, boasting proudly and giving chan a nose scrunching smile. he liked being pretty, and he loved his freckles because they made him pretty! i'm pretty.

"they do make you look really pretty." chan huffed, squinting his eyes and stopping them for a second so that he could take a closer look at felix's face. he grabbed the slightly taller boy's face in between his hands and squinted at it hard, trying to quickly count how many of those little dots were on his face.

he had however, failed to do so.

"you have a lot of them, maybe that's why you're so pretty."

"i want to be pretty, but i don't have freckles." chan said sadly, starting to walk forward again causing felix to chase after him. he wished he had freckles, then maybe his papa would call him cute like felix's dad called the latter cute. he couldn't help but be a bit sad that he wasn't pretty like felix. fee is very pretty, very very pretty. 

felix caught up to chan and pulled him back, causing the slightly shorter to let out a "hey!". the freckled boy quickly connected their hands again before grabbing chan's other hand too and spinning them around in circles. he kept it up until he saw chan crack a small smile. and once chan started to laugh uncontrollably, felix stopped and let them walk normally again. he made sure to hold his best friends hand tightly.

"you can't be sad, ok chan! it's ill-fee-lal for you to be sad. you're cute, you're so cute, you're the cutest person ever!" felix huffed angrily, glaring at chan when the boy looked a little sad. he hated it when chan was sad, it made him want to... want to... want to choke a marshmallow! illfeelal was the word his dad used, right? or was it illgalila? illegalay?

"you better never be sad chan, or i'll bite you. also, if it makes you feel better; i think you're cuter than me."

んやに

"sarah just look at our boys. we're not even at the park yet and the two are already spinning around like dwindle-heads!" charlotte laughed out, watching as her son took chan by his hands and started to spin the two of them around. why did i give birth to the chaotic one? i know i shouldn't have drunk wine while pregnant.

but she was only met by silence next to her, and when she turned to see why sarah wasn't answering, she saw the young mother looking with watery eyes at the two happy little boys.

"sarah dear, what's wrong?" charlotte asked softly when she saw her tear filled eyes, putting a delicate arm around the slightly quivering girl. it made no sense, why was the poor dear tearing up?

"charlotte, you promise you'll look out for him if i ever die soon? charlotte, you promise me? you'll look after my precious boy?!" sarah asked urgently, reaching for the latter's hand and holding it in a pleading tug.

"don't talk like that, you'll be there for chan dear. and of course i will. i'll look out for him even while you're still here." the elder woman replied softly, squeezing back sarah's shaky hand. it scared charlotte how much sarah asked her to look after her son, the amount of love she looked at the little boy with— oh dear it was just so strong. too strong.

"lighten up for now sarah, don't think about death. you'll be able to live a long, happy li—" but charlotte's encouraging words were cut off when she hear a soft sob emitted from the small woman next to her. and when she looked down to hug sarah, she saw the tears streaming down her worn out face and the bittersweet smile growing on her lips.

"i died years ago charli. i died when i got married to a man who my parents chose just to get rid of me. i died when he used me like a rag, and i died when i was left pregnant and married at seventeen. my life is over, you know i have virtually no reason to continue anymore, right? mike hasn't changed. still hurts me to this day, and even after i get home today, he'll do it again."

sarah watched as her little boy grabbed felix's face in his hands and brought it down so it was down to his height. she watched as her precious boy laughed and smiled and twirled as he walked down the sidewalk. she watched as her son smiled happily. and then sarah let out a beautifully broken sob, wiping her porcelain like tears before turning to face charlotte.

and she gave charlotte's worried demeanor a big, bright smile. a ravishing smile that was cracked in so many places. such a bright smile that held nothing but ripped hope and broken wishes. she leant against charlotte who could do nothing but soothingly rub sarah's scar cut arm.

"he's the only reason i'm alive, he's the only reason i haven't died." she sighed out, fresh tears escaping her worn eyes and onto the sides of her lopsided smile when sarah blinked.

"he is my life, my little boy. i'm going to do everything and anything to make sure he doesn't have to suffer like me charli. even if it means ripping myself apart, i'll do it happily. anything for my baby, i'd give up my entire existence just for him to smile brightly."

〃々月


End file.
